Devastated...

I can't even begin to tell you how crushed I am. My body is like clockwork and has been for the past 23 months. Except this month, this month I was late. WOOO HOOO!!! I wake up at 3am because I couldn't sleep and couldn't wait to just test already! I mean this has consumed my mind for the past 3 days. So I sit and wait and I'm just a huge ball of nerves & shaking. It just has to say "pregnant" right? I'm never late so if I'm late then I have to be pregnant right?
Nope BIG FAT NEGATIVE! I don't cry I just say "shit" and go back to bed. You eventually get numb to seeing all the negatives. I want this so bad but apparently it's not our time.
I just wish I had hope that it will eventally happen becuase I don't. I've NEVER had that feeling. Ever since I was young I always had a feeling I would have a hard time becoming pregnant. Then when we actually started trying I've had the feeling that I would never become pregnant.
yeah yeah yeah think positive. That's HARD! All you see is a dead end street. I don't want to adopt. I want my own baby. I want to be pregnant. I want morning sickness. I want to wake my husband up and say HEY DADDY look here at this test! I want to wake my husband up and say hey honey it's time to go to the hospital. I want to feel baby kicks and rumbles. I want to watch my husbands expression when he feels the baby for the first time. I want all of those things and it's impossible to just sit/wait/and stay positive.
It freaking sucks and I wouldn't wish it upon my worst enemy.