Numb...

So this month wasn't successful. I started to say it didn't work but clomid "DID" work just something didn't happen correctly after that. It's such a weird feeling. It's kinda like a boyfriend you keep breaking up with and getting back together with. You love him and want to be with him so you keep going back to him but deep down he has hurt you so much that you just have no emotions towards him anymore. That may have been a bad analogy but that's kind of how I feel. I want this so bad but for the past 2+ years this is all I know. I get my hopes up thinking this *could* be the month but then of course like every other month it never is. But since I was taking medicine which has helped millions of other women I had hope that this month would have worked and it didn't. So I'm just numb to the whole process and convinced that it will never work for us. I'm not sure that I want to go through insemination. I don't know how many months he will let us try clomid before stopping it. I know there is a cutoff month I just don't know what my Dr's is. I go back to him 2 weeks from today. I start another round of clomid on Friday. I'm tempted to ask for another analysis on my husband. He said that it wouldn't really matter and we will have to pay for it but for a peace of mind I think it will be worth it. He's already had 2 (both were over a year ago) so it will be a best out of 3 thing. If this one comes back poorly then maybe I will consider insemination. But I just hate to pay that amount of money and it not to work. Then I think that it's just not the Lord's time for us and we need to wait.
Ian goes for his job interview on Friday and maybe something will happen with that, which we need to wait for??? I dunno. I just hope we get good news on Friday.

Sorry that post was all over and hard to follow. It's kinda how my mind is working lately.